This week I wanted to share a reflection I had as a parent. I hope it can prompt you to think differently about how you frame your conversations at home when it comes to what your kids do at school, what they are learning and how they feel about it all.

My daughter, who is in G7, came home after a day she had spent at Tanglin at a conference on Climate Change. As part of the Service Executive Committee, she was invited to participate in this all day event. On this day, she had also gotten back an assessment for one of her academic classes.

She had not done well on said assessment and tears ensued.

I had had a long day at work and was exhausted, but we spent over an hour talking about the value of taking responsibility, resilience, and what to do when things are difficult, and eventually she calmed down and got back to her homework and studying for another academic class. I was relieved, so I slumped on the couch for some rest and self-congratulatory reflection.

But later, as I was thinking, I realized that once again, I had prioritized academics over everything else, and had focussed on how she had done on a task. I did not ask her about what she learned at the conference. We did not talk about how she is feeling about the stress of her class. We talk about the things we value, so it is important to make that clear to kids.

The next morning, I did just that. And the conversation was so much more rich. She shared her learning about Climate Change and herself as a collaborator at the conference with excitement.

So often we allow academics to dictate the nature of our conversations about learning.  We focus on how our kids can do better, get better grades, be better at x, y, z. But I want to remind us all, that our kids are human beings, not just students.

They need us to see them in a more holistic way. They need us to remind them that we see them beyond how they do on tests. They need to know that we are here to support them and not judge them.

When I asked my daughter, why she hadn’t asked me for help when she was struggling, she said, “I didn’t want you to be disappointed that I couldn’t do it myself.” We send so many subliminal messages to our kids by what we choose to focus on, it’s crucial that we also send them explicit ones as well.

“I will never be disappointed in you for needing help. I am always here to support you, because you are the most important thing in my life and I love you more than I can explain. School is just one part of your life and this class is a smaller part of that. You don’t have to do any of this on your own. I am here for you.”